The vulnerability of remorse
A friend gave me a gift, a book she came across that reminded her of me. It’s possible because it was written by a Jewish author, and has a lot of Jewish references, but the subject of the book is remorse. I read a page a day and it always leaves a wry smile on my face. So I’d like to lean into remorse for a moment.
I want to lean into the lack of remorse in other people. One day, I was putting up tables in the Hall and I said to my friend who was helping me, do you ever have a day where you remember all the slights against you and you just feel grudgy?
“Oh my God, Rachel, never. Why would you think that,” she said.
I was quiet the rest of the morning. If you know, you know, is what I thought. I think about people who have hurt me and not shown any remorse. I’ve told each person they hurt me, so it isn’t as if they don’t know, and yet no show of remorse. Sometimes I collect my box of other people’s non-remorse and open it and peer inside and wonder why?
I do not wonder why they have no remorse – they are dead to me – I wonder why their insult or slight or intentional harm was able to prick me. I know now that I have not had appropriate boundaries in my life, and for the love of God, being a parent has helped me to confront this genuine flaw of mine. And to correct it.
Would you tell your secrets to someone who doesn’t protect you? Would you bring someone into your house who would harm your family? Would you spend time with someone who has no facility with the truth? The people who drain you don’t always come with warning signs, and if you don’t have boundaries, these people push your boundaries without a second thought – they get so used to your generosity, they don’t realize they are overstepping (Brene Brown has covered this idea many times over).
How much time do you spend replaying conflict in your head, sure, it is time wasted. I do think every now and then you might allow yourself to take out the box of remorse – other people’s – remind yourself that those people suck and to hold your boundaries against future invasions.
I do this so that it keeps me focused on people who uplift and support me. Yay them.
