Outside Looking In
I try not to be a harsh critic of myself. I know too easily how it’s a slippery slope into outright condemnation. The voice that speaks to me when I look in the mirror is an awful judge. After I’ve crossed over into 60 last year, I’ve noticed every possible flaw my body holds – my once beautiful skin is now wrinkled, thin, marked. My once thick arms and thighs are dappled with curdled fat. My ass is flatter. My stomach rounder. And let’s not talk about my once pretty fine breasts – they are definitely shadows of their former selves.
And so it is, that late last year I gave up caring about my body. I decided it was separate from me and I didn’t really want to claim it anymore. So I began a slow descent into my own personal weight gain program. Step one, eat whatever you want whenever you want and make sure to always eat a lot late at night. Step two, eat sweets whenever you can because gluten free treats don’t present themselves often and you deserve them for the crazy schedule you uphold. Step three, give up any love you had of your physical body because it is not doing what you want – being sexy, being agile, being flexible, being comfortable.
In March, I went to the doctor for my annual exam and I was not surprised but disappointed to see that I had topped out at my highest weight in my lifetime. I sighed and continued to follow the same path I had been on. That harsh critic in the mirror said to me I wasn’t looking for love, especially body love, so keep on keeping on.
Then I called about my life insurance, a policy I had taken out years ago before I had Tin and is going to run out in a few years. The insurance agent told me that not necessarily my age, but my weight was too high to qualify for the same status I had before. Not only was I not the same, but two levels down was where he pegged me, right before you get to LOSER status. I told him I had packed on my COVID 19!
And still I struggled to care. And then one day after a long conversation with my friend about weight, I realized I was in a hole that only I could climb out of – I had gone to the other side and needed to cross back. Only you don’t go back the same way you came with weight loss. Oh it’s all sugarplums and lollipops on the journey to gaining weight, but it is the whirling blades on the way back.
I saw this dog sitting outside the yard he was supposed to be guarding. He was beside the the sign that warned of him. He acted like he didn’t even know his role, his place, or why he should be feared. My weight gain was similar, I sat outside my body watching the weight pile on thinking no one would notice, not even me. I realized it was me allowing the weight to accrue. I have been shocked out of my denial. And the first person who appeared is that harsh critic – how could you? how despicable? what is wrong with you?
To this critic I say get over yourself – I know what to do. I started a program last Monday to shed the unwanted pounds — my goal is to be at my fighting weight by summer just in time to take out a new insurance policy for my son. I’ll see all of y’all on the other side of this challenge.
April 25th, 2020 at 11:02 am
Oh I’m right there with you!! My husband died last year and I ate my grief. He got cancer and I got fat. Then Covid and self-isolation. Food scarcity. At my peak weight I too was shocked back into reality. Took a brief time to climb up, but will take a long time to climb down, I’m committed to the task – Congratulations! We can do this!
April 25th, 2020 at 11:54 am
Emma – yes, I hear you. Food has always been my solace. But I agree – seeing your highest weight is a shock into reality – even though as I said, it didn’t prompt me right away to put down the fork. Please stay in touch and let’s monitor how we are doing and support each other to health! And I’m sorry about your husband – may his memory be a blessing to you. Much love, Rachel
April 25th, 2020 at 12:01 pm
I completely know how you feel. After my last relationship, I told myself, never again. To ensure that, I packed on so much weight, I can’t stand to look at myself
April 25th, 2020 at 12:34 pm
I’m sorry honey – that sucks. I know that’s part of it. I still grieve the end of my marriage in 2006 – I’ve flitted in and out of relationships that have not made me believe in love again, if anything they have made me want to gain even more weight as a shield against weak hearted people.
April 25th, 2020 at 4:13 pm
What I don’t like about FB is that my comments go there and people who read my blog and don’t go on FB don’t get to see other people’s reaction, not to mention that a year from now when I’m looking back – I usually don’t on FB, but I do on my blog – so I’m posting the comments here for archival memory.
Brenda Comer Too late ? I’ve gained 15 lbs. and that’s after loosing an appendix! ???????
Rachel Dangermond Brenda – I truly feel your pain
??Susan Howder Niemann-Hightower We need to dance it off- hopefully soon!!
??Jane Clair Thank you for the encouragement and inspiration!??
Maureen Rice Excellent post..??
Angela Noel Pastor Adams Girl. Quarantine and blackberry season are not a great mix for my waistline…
Rachel Dangermond I heard that – a friend made blackberry jam and brought it to us for Easter – that jam is gone – you heard?????
Angela Noel Pastor Adams Rachel Dangermond YUP. This is what I made last night and we had them for breakfast-dessert…??
Rachel Dangermond So glad I wasn’t in your house last night because they would not have been around for breakfast!!!??
Angela Noel Pastor Adams Rachel Dangermond lolol
??Angela Noel Pastor Adams I have also made a lemon curd and blackberry trifle, a blackberry cream cheese cake, and blackberry chocolate chunk cookies….??
Rachel Dangermond So glad I am not quarantined with you!!!??
Rachel Bidwell Rachel, that was an excellent read! Thank you for posting.?
Frank A. Valls Actually as we all know the blackberries area low calorie no fat healthy food. Some of the things that we make are also delicious and nutritious but we all love to gild the lily. Yum yum.
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Leah Richards Solidarity, Rachel! ?
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Susan Howder Niemann-Hightower I’m a lil chonky, but eh, it’s just the Coronafluff??
Melanie Bailey Mills It’s especially sneaky with my quarantine leggings attire…I need to try my jeans on every few days just to make sure I can still stuff my thickening self into them!??
Rachel Dangermond so far away from those jeans – I don’t know if I can look them in the zipper?
Koo Gaffney Luckily, I had started WW in late January and have pretty much stuck with it online, so I’ve lost 20 lbs.??
Kay Kell Koo Gaffney wow. Impressed.??
Rachel Dangermond that’s fab Koo and you’re my new inspiration!??
Stephanie Daigle I hear you! I saw you walking I think yesterday and you were far away from home, like across Spanish Trail somewhere. I need to come to town and walk. Motivated by too much sitting! Normally I would be swimming almost daily.??
Susan Callihan Mueller I’ve been making blackberry scones and now mulberry scones…yeah the tummy shows it even though i garden, bike, and walk lots. Baking is addictive…but delish.
??Rachel Dangermond I walk over 3 miles daily and yesterday clocked in 23K steps and I took a bike ride for an hour and a half – and yet I wonder – sadly – what it would be if I weren’t doing all this!!!??
Katell Orjubin Excellent read. You got this ??
Rachel Dangermond Wish I could hire you come prepare our meals!!??
Katell Orjubin would live to???
Lamar Billups Oh, yea. Well, I think I’ll never wear pants with a button again.?
Rachel Dangermond Heard that???
Elizabeth Elias Juge Too late.
??Noel Allen I’ve gained 10 pounds. Exactly.??
Rachel Dangermond you’re under the curve – literally???
Noel Allen Rachel Dangermond i keep telling myself it’s ok, which isn’t ok! We need more dancing!??
Rachel Dangermond Noel Allen Yes indeed!
?Diana Shaw You got this Rachel – you’re one of the strongest women I know?? you’ll feel better every day of your journey – and the exercise really does produce the endorphins you’ll need to kick ass?? ??????
Rachel Dangermond Well I’ve been walking 3++ miles a day and riding my bike for an hour each evening – yesterday I logged 23k steps – so I’ve got the exercise part down pat – it’s the eating that needs to be policed!!
??Rachel Dangermond And thanks for your sweet response
??JoAnn Saucier Stretchy pants!??
Tonda McCarter Yandell – – – and I have lost close to 9lbs. I know, kinda crazy.??
Tonda McCarter Yandell Yep, wasn’t trying but not unhappy about it, I like thin(er)
Denise Copeland Rachel, you write beautifully and with such honesty, it is inspiring to read this! I actually have lost weight and while speaking to my mom in TX by phone a few days ago, she mentioned the weight she’d gained (like everyone, she said), I told her I’d actually lost weight. She very irritably snapped at me that she didn’t need to hear that. But March 14 I became very ill and had no appetite for 2 wks, also, I’d joined a gym 4 days before that and had begun training and eating nutritionally. So I didn’t have junk food in the house when I recovered. Also, my Respiratory Therapist hubby and I have been living apart and haven’t hugged and kissed since I became ill so the only time we see one another is to meet at the beach with the dogs to walk them on the sidewalk. Also, I’d begun practicing yoga classes online and T.V. I believe doing things psychologically rewarding helps me with my physical self. You’re one of the most determinedly focussed individuals I’ve known. You have got this, for sure! ??
Rachel Dangermond Good for you – I’ve been inspired by friends recently who have done an awesome job focusing on weight loss/exercise. I think these are inspirational stories.??Denise Copeland Well, my weight loss actually got jump-started by a 2 wk illness, so…. ????
Rachel Dangermond Denise Copeland I hear you – that’s what I can’t understand about my weight gain – I had a 2.5 month illness and no appetite but it seemed as if I gained weight despite the obvious.??
Denise Copeland Perhaps there’s an underlying physical reason for the weight gain that hasn’t been investigated? Just conjecture.??
Rachel Dangermond Denise Copeland Well there was – about the time that I got sick, which was Jan 3rd, my TSH levels were going though the roof, but the time 2.5 months later when I dragged my butt to the doctor, and had the lab work, she was able to up my dosage of Synthroid, surely my immune system was depleted from the one two punch of my TSH levels spiking and the illness but I didn’t know this till after I had gone down the rabbit hole into wondering if I was on a slow boat to hell. So I’m going back in mid May to have more lab work and will see if the extra dosage is helping or if I still need more to balance out my Hashimoto/thyroid condition.??
Denise Copeland I think that probably perfectly explains the weight gain. So, probably doing what can when you can without judgment seems to be the best course (the one you’ve set for yourself). Sometimes physical illnesses (especially thyroid issues) can wreak havoc on weight control. I think that you are amazing with great ability to push through whatever you need to do. ?
??Rachel Dangermond Thanks – I really didn’t factor in the thyroid issue – but it’s been a roller coaster since January – so many factors contributing and none helping except for the exceptional freeing of time for a single mother who drives to NO daily for her son’s school and Sunday school!!!
April 25th, 2020 at 5:56 pm
First of all~you are a radiant beauty!
Secondly, it’s your thyroid silly!
April 25th, 2020 at 7:01 pm
More FB comments
Ethel Harrington True , over eating is not a solution??
Constance Mims I don’t even want to walk pass a mirror right now
??EA Hunter-Brown Here marks even more of your power?????
??Kandi Geary You are a radiant beauty!
April 26th, 2020 at 10:56 am
More FB comments:
Larkin Gaudet I get it! I’ve never been a desert or sweets person but Mitchell’s Easter chocolates sit there on the counter and I just “NEED” a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup!
Luckily they are gone now.
And, not being sure if we were going to be able to leave the house when all of the coronavirus started, I purchased lots of pantry items…. like pasta…. that also has been another NEED to eat item.
You are a natural beauty, don’t be tough on yourself. But, I’m proud of you for your beautifully written story…. one that we ALL can relate to. ????Sonia Elkes Ugh, I’m with you on the weight gain, thanks for writing this, makes me feel less alone…??I spend way too much time (surrounded by family no less) feeing alone
Elizabeth Elias Juge It’s a little more motivating to care for oneself when there is a motivating factor such as your love for Tin. We *should* always feel motivated to care because it’s the only vessel we have. But the little extra love and motivation doesn’t hurt.