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I sat on the porch to have my coffee this morning and watch the sun rise for the last time from the LaLa. The last few days have been especially trying for so many reasons it is hard to even begin to enumerate. I watched an episode on In Treatment last night sitting on the floor of the living room as my furniture now lives in my future life, not here in my present life. Paul (the therapist played by Gabrielle Byrne) was speaking with his patient about a situation that happened in the patient’s childhood. He was remembering how his mother had fallen apart and how another mother had continued to have parties and celebrate life and he was comparing the two.

I thought of Tin and what I was told the other day – that I am ruining his life because of my actions. Interesting comment seeing how my life had ended two years ago and I feel as if I am getting my life back and have been told by professionals the right course is to align with your values. I thought what I would say to the person who was being (mis)quoted – I may never be the mother that Tin would have wanted, but he will, one day, come to love the mother I am — as I did with my own flawed mother. As we all (hopefully) do.

Meanwhile, sitting on the porch this morning, I thought about my closing ceremony tomorrow, where I drink a glass of champagne and toast to the good memories that were made in this house and shatter the panes of colored glass that I salvaged during the remodel of 2005 to one day create something beautiful – I will assign each of these panes a dream that went sideways and then I will break each colored glass with a piece of granite I have moved with me too many times – at the end of this process, I will burn the empty promises that were written on pieces of paper that I have collected – I will then wrap all of this in the OTR beach towel I was given many conferences ago – put it in the trash and walk away.

At last.

But as I sat on the porch I asked the universe one more time, why? And then I answered myself – More Will Be Revealed. And I remembered the fortune cookie fortune that I taped up a few years ago that reads: Venture Not All In One Boat. And so the answer that came to me, which suffices for now, is this: I put all 50 years of my dreams into the LaLa – to put down roots in a beautiful home (as my father had gypsy in his blood) and to have a garden (because my mother always dreamed she would plant one) and to have a family (because my primary family fell apart at the death of each parent or perhaps even earlier when my mother became an alcoholic and my father’s rage amplified) and to live in harmony with nature (to honor my grandmother who gave me that gift).

Venture not all in one boat.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
Dont’ invest all your money in one company.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 13th, 2013 at 8:13 am and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.