Rachel Revealed
I was up this morning at some ungodly hour and was sitting in the womb chair in the living room listening to the sounds of silence when I checked my iPhone and found this interview recommended by a friend of mine. And it struck me, as I read what Christopher Bernard was speaking about, about being a writer and not tying up your art to mercantile pursuits because it will corrupt it, how I’ve come back to me, to who I am, but this time, it’s different, I’m on a higher rung.
Remember Flower’s adage that Russians believe life is a spiral and we start off in the smallest part but as we move along our path we move up to spirals that are more expansive so we come back to the same places, the same people, the same situations, but we’ve changed when we get there. This is the ideal progress for a pilgrim, it’s not everyone’s. Some are stuck on a rung. Not a pretty place to be.
Well, as I rounded the curve to this new height, I got a little dizzy. I couldn’t remember who I was or how I got here. And I started to panic. And my life coach helped me identify saboteurs who were jumping out of the bushes and trying to block my way. And my therapist gently reminded me that I am who I am.
So when I went to see Cloud Atlas and all I heard coming out of it was a moral tale of truth and integrity, I realized that when someone asked me what I do for a living and I said, “I’m a writer and an investigative journalist.” I am a truth seeker. My life and my work has been in the pursuit of truth – that is who I am. And yes, I have lost my way, my truth, at times in my life – feet of clay as my poet friend Bill Lavender reminded me, but when I quoted Henry David Thoreau the other day – about remaining in the channel, I started understanding who I am at my core more than I had known before.
My self-actualization – the purpose of me writing this blog since 2004 – was to record a woman’s self-actualization – so let me record this – I moved up a rung.
And yes, I have started Rockin’ it Bald as my friend Brian suggested back in May, but I’m also Rockin’ it Rachel, and this feels like swimming through warm, ocean waters instead of jello.
My now world is a creative interplay of my desires – I write my blog, I am starting a parenting blog about race, I’m working as an investigative journalist, I’m raising an awesome child, I’m working with Waldorf and some fabulous people there to make Tin’s school be the best school, and I’m rockin’ it in the free world.
November 10th, 2012 at 8:19 am
From a friend who sent this as an email rather than a comment:
Hey, Rach,
I spent about an hour or so yesterday catching up on your life, and, man, am I exhausted. You go through more motions and e-motions in a day than I do in a month or two. Thinking about it, I found I was unsure about whether my reaction to all that is envy or relief. Is your life more meaningful as a result of your search to become…or is it simply that your time is spent on a higher quest of self-realization.
With crisp clarity I travel to our time as teens, and the memories create a kaleidoscope of experiences we’ve shared. At first, one memory bleeds into the next with no clear defining boundaries. But patience begins to separate them out, each one the same but distinctly different from the others. I am struck by the feelings this exercise rouses from somewhere deep. There is no doubt, one rises above all the rest: I trust you with my life and would, without hesitation, give mine for yours.
To say thank you for the countless gifts you have shared with me, some perhaps unknowingly, sounds empty and trite. Nonetheless, I’m at a loss to find some other way to acknowledge that your presence in my life, then and now, has left an indelible mark on me I carry with pride and humility. In reading your blog, I am struck by the tireless determination you possess to better yourself and at the same time accept yourself as you are in the moment. A dichotomy, no doubt.
At first, I was feeling a bit inadequate, as though I was watching you disappear into your life while I stay stuck outside my own. I am overwhelmed at the depth of knowledge you have achieved through opening your mind to the literature of diverse scholars and pundits. It is a strong and wise woman who can sample the teachings of others before completely ingesting them without question.
Actually, what I set out to do here is to tell you my respect for you is endless; to tell you that you are the epitomy of what friendship is all about; to tell you that my love for you is profound and unfaltering.
Thoughts of you, both past and present, bring me warmth and peace and, yes, even optimism.
i love you
November 13th, 2012 at 12:05 pm
May I repeat that friends are life’s way of apologizing for family.